The Alpha Assassin novel Chapter 32

I spent the day elated, replaying the conversations Ezra and I had. He affected me in ways I didn’t understand. He was the closest thing to a friend I had in years.

But after that kiss… everything shifted.

It was blatantly obvious to me now that everything I felt for him was attraction before, after I got over the initial fear and anger toward him, but even then, I probably wanted him. I couldn’t describe it.

It was past how beautiful he was in his imperfections, how stable he was, he was there and he was flawed and he, I think he would understand. I couldn’t put my finger on one thing, it was a culmination of everything, of who he was. It was an entirely new feeling for me, and I reveled in it. It chased away the anger, it kept it at bay more than I could locking it away. This was raw and real and…

Sparkly? - My wolf suggested and I smiled.

I wouldn’t put it like that but….. Yes.

I had to actively focus on even mundane tasks, or else I would have spent the entire day thinking about him instead of taking the valuable last few hours I had without the ranked members here to do some serious research.

I hadn’t been alone here before, and I doubted I would be for long. Whispers already started of the Luna coming home early, no doubt to ensure that I was here and attended to after the stunt I ‘accidentally’ pulled.

This freedom was a fickle mistress. There wasn’t much I needed to know until the ranked members were back to make decisions, so I could find out their plans for the trials.

So I roamed.

I did the things I couldn’t do in front of them, and then I realized that I probably had more freedom than I ever noticed. The sneaking around was necessary to some extent, but I was left so alone today that I could openly tame the fireheart that was overgrowing. I could wander the forest for anything else of note, which I didn’t find.

I even checked the Alpha's new and old offices. The feel of the fur rug, the familiar black coat, even under my shoes sent my stomach curling. I reached down and closed my eyes allowing me a moment to pet the soft familiar fur and yearning clamped down on my heart faster than I could process it.

I forced myself to stand even though I wanted to lay there in something that reminded me of a warm embrace, but I knew I would be sucked under by it all. So I stood, and I searched, averting my eyes from the floor.

But there wasn’t anything in either of his offices that I didn’t know, or guessed at. I wondered where he kept his other documents or if he even had anything more important here. I knew he met with his Beta and Gamma elsewhere, so I assumed that’s where the important things were kept, but wouldn’t an Alpha want copies? Or the originals?

If I was being honest, I was looking for Miles’ number in case I needed it. When I needed it. But he didn’t even seem to have that.

So I was left with the same puzzle of whether he was just willfully ignorant or actually stupid?

This entire packhouse that I was so afraid of, that I built up in my mind to hold secrets and explanations, really held…. Nothing.

I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or depressed by that. Either way, I wouldn’t have enacted my plan sooner. I needed those years to not only bring myself back to the shred of sanity I held before but to forge a mask I could live under and plan and train as best, I could.

So I couldn’t fault myself for thinking them better than they were. I wouldn’t.

I was wandering again out the front when Ezra’s tall frame came into view; the wind whipped my braid, pulling hairs from it hiding my broad smile.

Goddess, one kiss, and I was a new person. I hated it, but also... Also. it was something that made me feel anything but the hate and nothingness and grief. It was a flicker of life for me; it awoke who I really was and reminded me of the girl, not the assassin. I was already addicted to it.

He sidled up beside me. “Want to do something we can’t do when the ranked members are here?” I paused my heart stopped as I glanced up at him. “Train,” he specified, and my heart beat faster.

The blood inside me awoke and sang the song of my childhood, the song of my ancestors. “Yes,” I breathed.

We walked in silence to the training area they used for the brothers. It was well out of seeing or hearing range from the packhouse and utterly deserted.

I hopped over the fence and noticed Ezra’s open hand, which he closed and nodded. “I forgot-”

“You’re not in the presence of a lady?” I asked. “I can try to faint if it would make you feel more comfortable.”

A side of his lip twitched up. “I haven’t dealt with fainting, so please don't.” He bowed deeply and motioned to the wall of weapons slightly hidden from the elements under a hutch. “M’lady, your choice.”

I tapped my chin as I studied them. I focused on my breathing as the memories came rushing back.

My father explaining the difference between a short sword and a dagger. My mother sitting behind us on a blanket, smiling despite her nerves. She was from another pack that didn’t expect their children to train at such an early age and with human weapons.

But she wore her nerves well, and they often came out as humor and love to her mate. I could see the wind curling her hair now as she looked on at my father and me with so much adoration and support. My throat clenched, and I blinked. Memories I was suppressing rose, but I didn’t push them away.

I brushed my fingers over the smooth hilt of a javelin, one I only trained with once with my father’s Gamma. He was bored, and so was I, and he taught me to throw these. At the beginning of that day, I couldn’t figure out how to balance the weight, but by the end, I could aim at least within the first two rings every time.

Ezra stood still behind me, his arms across his chest but in a way that made me comfortable, not agitated. “Are you feeling okay? What are you feeling?” he asked.

“Memories,” I admitted. “Ones I finally let myself remember.”

He moved a step towards me. “Are you okay?” he asked, he was all seriousness again.

My heart prickled. “Uh-” I swallowed against my broken voice. “Yes.” I blinked back hot tears. “I never let myself go back there, but these memories…” I took a shaky breath. “They’re painful because I miss them all. But they’re nice because I haven’t thought of them in years,” I admitted.

I felt his warm hand on my shoulder, a weight that tethered me to the moment here. The space between my memories and the world I was forced to live in. It was a place faded around the edge where I felt too much and not enough. But it was a place I should have been familiar with.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ezra asked, and the fuzziness faded.

No one had ever asked me that.

I swallowed, unsure of what to say. I felt his hand flex, and I instinctively reached for it so that he wouldn’t leave my shoulder.

“Not now,” I said; I couldn’t look at him. “I can barely admit them to myself.” I nodded, trying to will some confidence from the motion,

He moved so his body and warmth were behind me, not just his hand. Even though his body wasn’t touching mine, I felt the warmth current between us. I knew if I shifted a bit, I would feel his hard chest against my shoulder under his soft shirt.

“Whenever you’re ready. If you’re ready. I’m here for that,” he whispered, barely a mention above the wind.

“Me too,” I said.

We stayed like that for a few short moments. Too short moments. Until I took a deep breath.

“Let’s start easy with the short swords.” I took a step forward and ran my finger along their hilt.

A half smile tugged at his lips. “I wish it were, but you deserve so much more. You haven’t gotten to live to make choices. I don’t want to be your only option, I, I want you to choose this. I don’t want to take advantage of you.” His voice was low, and he dipped his forehead to mine, closing his eyes.

“I’ve met men before,” I explained, tracing his lips, trying to keep my focus on what I was saying.

“Besides those horrid brothers,” Ezra chuckled, and it sent fresh swirls of desire through me.

“Other than them. Some okay, most of them horrid.” I shrugged. “But what can you expect from the allies of these people? The friends of them?”

He shook his head slightly against my forehead and I continued, “I have never wanted anything like this before. I had never known desire like this.” My mouth felt dry. “This is new, and despite what you think, my logical self is telling me to run far away, that I shouldn’t have trusted you in the first place.”

He leaned back, his mismatched brown and blue eyes wide. “Do you believe that still?” he asked.

“No, not really.” I raised a shoulder. “You have to understand under these circumstances…” I waved between us.

“You have to understand under mine.” He raised a brow. “This is a job. I am betraying the person who hired me.” His face told me he was joking, but I paled, and he looked over me worried.

“I just….Miles?” I asked, and he nodded, his dark brows tugging together.

I wasn’t sure why I didn’t put it together earlier. I knew Miles was the one on the phone after Ezra arrived, but in my grief, I didn’t think that Miles and Ezra would have had to make contact, and the thought made my stomach acid sour.

I wondered how many other things I didn’t notice because of my pain and lingering grief. I pushed that thought away; no use dwelling on that.

“What was in the brief? For your job?” I asked.

“He only said they needed a threat to ranked members nullified, and it was at an established pack he had ties to. I had no idea that I wasn’t wanted by Alpha Raymond, but it was obvious the first night.”

I nodded, chewing my lip. “Have you heard from him since?”

“My brothers only received one correspondence from him asking for a report.” His lips met in a thin line. “But I don’t have much to report on. No murders happened since I was here.”

“That you know of.” I raised a brow, and the corner of his mouth tugged up.

“How do you know who hired me? Did you steal the brief from the Alpha’s office?” he asked, a logical question. I didn’t see the brief there but I wasn’t looking for it.

I shook my head, the weight of betrayal pressing against me. “I know him. I know his voice, I heard him on the phone,” I explained and took a deep, shaky breath. “He betrayed my pack. He was my father, Beta.” I sagged in on myself as those words left my lips.

Before I could say anything else, Ezra pulled me against his chest, his lips pressed into my hair and arms wrapped around me. I sunk into him, but it wasn’t thinking of Miles that made me emotional now; it was the fact that I had someone real for the first time in years that I could confide in and actually cared about my pain.

“Thank you,” I murmured into his chest.

He pulled back and wiped at the tears I never let shed with the pads of his soft yet calloused thumbs. “You never have to thank me for that. I’m here for you.” He pulled me back against his chest, and his words cleaved something open inside me.

I let him hold me as long as we were able.