The Alpha Assassin novel Chapter 38

I studied the carefully made map that Ezra drew in our book. The perfect lines, the tidy handwriting. I felt so stupid even thinking it, but it felt like him, and it made me like him even more. It was dangerous, and there could be no happy ending for me, but it was the one thing that maybe kept me sane, keeping me present.

He didn’t ask what I planned to do. He knew that he had done his part. I was unsure if he wanted to help with potential bloodshed and another for him helping me and pretending to stay out of it.

“Dominick isn’t well; if he needs reprise, he can find it in the forest under the shade,” I suggested.

“There aren’t traps there; it’s meant to be a place to confuse them, isolate them. It would be a good place to find reprieve,” he agreed, peering at his small drawing over his massive crossed arms. I forced myself to look back to the map and away from his lightly tanned skin over his defined muscles.

“Put the idea in his mind,” I told him. He dipped his chin in understanding.

I noticed since the trials started, he hadn’t stood that close to me, he hadn’t tried to kiss me, and I was craving it. Maybe it was because he was always the one to make the first moves that he thought I didn’t want it. But the nerves that clutched me at the thought of trying something and having him change his mind were overpowering.

So, I tried something small. I placed my hand on his crossed arms, letting it rest on his forearm, and I left it there. I tilted my head up to his.

“We focus on tonight, and then we deal with the next challenge or the duals, whatever comes next. I bet Hunter will be out for Dominick anyway,” I said. None of this he didn’t know, but I felt like I should keep talking to hold the contact.

“I don’t want the trials to end,” he admitted.

Fear lanced through me. Was he changing his mind? Was assisting me with potential murder too much?

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“I don’t. I don’t want you to finish this task,” he admitted.

“Are you going to stop me?” I asked, removing my hand from his arm and taking a step back.

“I won’t; I was hoping to change your mind. When I saw you.” He couldn’t meet my gaze. “When I saw you here with Alpha Sam in his arms, I felt jealous. It was a new feeling for me, and I hated it.”

I looked at him, I didn’t understand. “I don’t want Sam,” I said, “I need his help. He’s an old friend.”

Did he not know the intensity of what I felt for him? But I didn’t know how to put it into words, and I hadn’t made any moves to show him either.

I tried to wrap my mind around it, was he the first decent guy I met? Because he became my first friend in years? Because I could drop my mask and try to remember who I was? Because he was insanely gorgeous?

It was everything and I couldn’t find words to put it into a category. I didn’t know him for long, we just started opening up to each other. But I couldn’t shake the intensity of what I was feeling for him.

“I understand,” he said. “But that jealousy changed to hope. He can offer you a life I never could, protection, and stability. I thought that maybe you would change your plans for him.”

“Nothing would change that.”

Pain laced his features, and he swallowed, looking away again. “I know that Simone, and to be clear, I’m not talking about your plans for avenging your family, your pack. I’m talking about your plans after that.”

I took a deep breath. Fear curled in my stomach. He was talking about my death to rejoin my family. I tried not to think about that part. I had too much to focus on now at the moment. Asksala whimpered in my mind. We hadn’t talked about those plans but I knew she knew them.

“Oh,” I said. Now, it was me who couldn’t meet his eyes.

The truth of those words sliced through me. He was someone that fought to be good, that was good. My moral compass was smashed the day I knelt in my parent's blood.

“You are more than enough,” I went on. Why didn’t he see that? He was incredible; he was good and kind, and caring. “But I don’t deserve to keep you-”

He cut me off with a sharp shake of his head. “There’s not enough time,” he repeated. “I knew you wanted to leave this world on your own accord, but I didn’t realize that your plans would end so soon. I would have devoted my life to finding you a cause outside of me. One you felt worthy of.”

I wanted to crumple to the floor. I wasn’t ready for this conversation, for the truths I was hiding from myself. Even after this, I had no future. I wanted to be with Ezra; it might have been enough to find a new purpose in love. But the thought felt foreign and hollow.

But I wasn’t enough for him. I couldn’t make him happy. I couldn’t tie him to me. I couldn’t curse him to be with me, no matter what he thought he saw.

That was selfish. What I was doing was selfless, for him, for us.

“It’s not fair to you,” I whispered, and I felt the hot tears slip down my cheeks. Once they started, they came out in a torrent.

He tilted my chin to look up at him. His eyes were watery, and it made me cry harder.

I felt the heartbreak even though I was still here. I mourned for what we could have been if the situation was different; I mourned for the pain of what would be to come. I cried for us even though there never was an us. I cried for everything that wouldn’t be fulfilled, for the pain I would cause him.

“Simone, I want you. All of you. For longer than you want to inhibit this world. I can’t lose any more. I know I’m not enough to convince you, and I wish I was, but that is selfish. I want you to want me. I want you to choose me.” He lowered his forehead to mine and let out a deep breath. “Goddess Simone, I want you.”

But I didn’t have anything to give.