The Alpha Assassin novel Chapter 69

“I thought it might have just been me and my not-to-hidden infatuation with you.” He smiled briefly before his eyes went far away, back to hours earlier. “So I forced myself to look at everyone else. They were all completely still. The power that radiated from you felt like it washed over us. Some people reached up as if they could touch it.”

He shook his head. “It was different than just an Alpha aura; it was something else entirely; I can’t find the words.”

I shifted slightly to focus on him, happy to find there really was no pain from the movement.

“It was old, ancient. It called to me on an instinctual level as if I were basking in the Moon Goddess's light.” One of his shoulders tilted up, and he shook his head more vigorously than usual. “I know it sounds poetic and dumb-”

“It doesn’t,” I cut him. He eyed me, and I shrugged. “It’s hard to put to words things you have never categorized before.” I had to do it with my feelings for him, and I was still trying to piece that together.

“Yes,” he agreed. “Generally, it just, it felt good felt right in a way that other auras feel stifling.”

I chewed my lip and said, “When I shifted for the first time in front of the Alpha and his sons.”

A shutter traveled down my spine, and my first instinct was to plan for their deaths. But they were already dead, and I would somehow have to live with those memories of the torture they inflicted in another way now.

My throat constricted, but I pushed that thought away for now. I had other things to focus on. Too many other things.

“Simone?” Ezra asked, gently taking one of my limp hands in his.

I gave him a weak smile. “When I shifted, they had interesting reactions. The Alpha almost seemed scared. I remember them being a bit confused, maybe apprehensive. I didn’t think much of it.”

He nodded slightly. “It was undeniable,” he murmured. “Incredible,” he added under a breath.

“How much longer?” I asked, motioning to my leg.

“The doctor said a few days, but it might be sooner,” he added when he saw my horrified expression. “Everything is okay, I promise you.”

“I trust you, but-” I threw my hands up. “I should have been there, I should have talked to them all, made plans, instead I just… I just… collapsed. The pain, mental and emotional as well, it all hit me, and it was too much-” I choked.

Ezra tightened his grip on my hand. “How do you feel? I mean, besides the pain,” he clarified.

My heart tightened, and tears immediately pricked my eyes. “I don’t know. It’s a relief it’s over, but now I don’t have a purpose.” I swallowed.

“I mean, I do,” I rushed out, trying to put words to my emotions. “But I don’t have anywhere for the anger to be directed at. I can’t lock it away and solve all the negative thoughts by promising myself they will pay. They did pay, but now I. Now I… I don’t have that to look forward to. Now it’s all just pain and anger left.”

I clutched at my chest as the sharp sting of loss ripped through me, threatening to tear me apart from the loose seams I managed to stitch myself back up with.

I swear that was the only thing that kept me from being ripped away in a river of my own rage. His presence was the only thing that kept me from drowning in the memories, both happy and sad.

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I cried until I had nothing left to give. Even though I dipped back into my earth-shattering pain, I felt a bit better when I let it all out.

The memories brought back all that was unhealed, and I felt their deaths as if it were the first time over and over again.

I was so terrified of what would happen when I had to face it all. I knew it was one small step into a lifetime of healing, but getting that initial torrent out let go of the fear shrouding it.

When my sobs turned to hiccups, Ezra released his iron grip on me. Thankfully, I didn’t combust right there.

His shirt was soaked through, but I couldn’t find the words to apologize. I know I didn’t need to anyway.

The real world felt fuzzy compared to the visceral realness of my memories. Ezra slowly unwrapped his arms and shifted out of the bed. He returned moments later with a cold washcloth to dab on my face and tissues for me.

He resumed his position on the bed, pulling his shirt over his head, and tucked my back into him. I closed my eyes and focused on his calming scent and the soft, unrelenting beat of his heart.