If Only He Knew novel Chapter 66

Where She Had Accepted Changes For Better

Emily's POV:

"Ugh, this is too damn hard! I can't do it anymore!" I sighed loudly, letting the laces of the red dress I was wearing fall down to my sides.

Closing my eyes in frustration, I looked at the phone screen to see Mia muffling her laughter with her palm. We had been on a video call for an hour. She was teaching me how to wear this new dress my mom had made it necessary to gift to me as the part of my effort in changing myself all over to an elegant lady which she had always wanted me to.

Which I might add, would be the absolute brutal unnecessary death of my tomboyish-ness someday.

"What?" I asked her, somewhat irritated by her laughter.

"Nothing, " She answered me. "It's just seeing you trying to put on a dress reminded me of my own self."

I stared at her, in confusion.

"You know, when I tried to walk outside my apartment, wearing over-alls. Without makeup. Taking short walk around the neighbourhood, my hands into my pockets, whistling to some song related to women empowerment. My feet dipped in some bland looking shoes, my hairs folded and curled into a disaster. People were staring at me. I felt self-conscious. It was so sudden I was damn sure I had been..." She avoided my eyes. "looking exactly like you."

I glared at her. "How's that supposed to teach me how to tie these ketchup coloured laces?"

"But I didn't go back to my apartment that day, " She looked at me, smiling softly at me. "I didn't run away from people's stares, I didn't let their judging stares get into me."

"Why?" I asked, feeling pleased. "Don't you hate it when they just stare at you for nothing? When they talk behind your back like they have known you forever? When everything you do, every effort you put into being you, being yourself, looks just like a bloody mistake to them? When they don't know what you've been through but only know to vent out their frustration on you for no reason?"

Mia smiled and rolled her eyes, probably at those hypocrite people who leave no rocks unturned to make our lives trash. "I've stopped caring, Emily. You start ignoring them too. Besides, I wasn't ashamed of you, or being you that day, the reason I didn't care what everyone thought of me. I just felt like wearing what I wanted, I didn't want to drown myself on makeup, I didn't want to torture my poor hairs by slapping them off with burning sheets to style them or curl. Just a loose bun that day ended up giving me relief from my painful migraine. Then, I didn't care if I looked like you or me. I was at peace. That's what it all mattered."

"But still, those half-burned peanuts lining the street must've passed on some filthy remarks-"

"They did. But as I said and believe, I don't care. I don't need to. As a matter of fact, why do I?"

"But what they speak of me matters a lot to me. I don't know why it always gets at me. Or through me." I whispered, looking down, suddenly feeling under-confident. I twirled the red un-done lace in my fingers, feeling tiny fibres rub against the tip of my thumb.

"Emily, " Mia called my name and I looked up at her. "Sometimes, what a woman needs is not some dashing swoon-worthy man's presence in her life." She looked at me, scrutinizing me. "It's her self-confidence, self-respect and self-comfort what matters the most. What makes her love herself, above everyone else, every guy in her life. It's like, if you'll not love yourself first, who will want to love you? Have you ever asked this question to yourself?"

I nodded. "I don't know. I tried to love myself. I really tried a lot. I just..." I stopped, feeling my eyes moisten as my mind mercilessly recalled every heartbreak my poor heart went through, every word I want to say to mollify my bruised soul, every syllable I want to utter to confess my feelings to the one person who'll probably not reject me the same day I'll confess to him.

I was afraid he'd keep trudging me along with him, giving me false hope, giving me mixed signals while he would keep smiling at me, talking of his life and future with me, whispering sweet-nothings in my ear of how I meant the whole world to him, of how he didn't want me to leave him, ever, of how he didn't want me to see with any man other than him.

Of how he was always in pain because of me. Or how he was always jealous of his own cousin, just because he thinks I'm in love with him. I still remember the day he told his heart was in pain because I chose Eric over him.

And while he does all that, brutally crushing my hopes everyday, his heart would always go to his first love, Lara Williams, because that's where it all started from. That's when everything started to go wrong. For me. Because that's when I fell deeper in love with him while he was already dating the woman he chose.

Over me.

Sometimes, I wonder what's in her that I don't have? That I couldn't possibly give him? Is she too beautiful that I couldn't even imagine to be like her? Or does Edward simply hate the idea of being with me? Did he find it too gross to even consider it in the first place? [ Author - Arghh, *facepalming whole day* ]

Or he also thinks I'm a man, just like most people around me think? Or maybe, it's his some secret oath that he'd never fall in love with a friend, let alone date her? Or marry her, with the worst selfish reasons ever?

Or am I too precious for him to actually confess to me and destroy our twenty years of friendship for his feelings which he couldn't let it go, no matter how much he tries to?

[ Readers - *whispers to themselves* umm bi...bin...bingo, right author? ]

I shook my head at my own stupidity. I won't be optimistic anymore. I've had enough shares of rejection for my age already. I'd promised myself to move on. Get over him, completely.

[ Readers - *blinks with black circles under eyes* Please, author, let it be the truth this time. No eating up her own words this time Emily please.]

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