New Wolf novel Chapter 100

It's because he matters so much that I can't tell him. If he knew what I was going through, he wouldn't have it. I want to tell him, but every time the thought crosses my mind, I feel a panic attack coming on. The words would get tangled in my throat and I would retreat like I always do. So I can understand why he gets frustrated sometimes because I can be difficult. I don't know why. It's just automatic.

I left Nichole and Scott a bit changed. Maybe I can try a little harder for him. It's not a secret that he'd do anything for me, and I would too. But the difference between he and I are that he constantly shows that he cares, and, I don't. These past few days I've come to the realization of what this really has to come. I could die. He could die. And as dismal as it was, the chances are likely. If one of us were to die, would there be traces of what had yet to expose, to unravel, to explore in what we both kept hindered for hollow eyes? Would either of us be able to push forward without a thick coil curling at the sound of a name? To feed hope and have the strength to say,"I will, in the memory of you."

I know I won't. If I ever lost him, I don't know if I'll be okay again. I lost my family, my mind, and I can't lose him too. If...if I become this beast that could save us all, I'll become what my father didn't want. But what else can I do? There is no other way...

I burst through the back door to see Alaric sitting in the grass, his feet folded, his back to me looking straight and poised. Troy sat next to him, his body hunched over and his hand swaying above the grass as it followed his motion. I stared in awe and amazement in witnessing this first hand. When his hand lower, the grass would flatten as if some invincible weight held it down, but only to stand on it ends when his hand shot upward.

"So you did show up?" Troy said, not even bothering to meet my eyes.

"How do you do that? With the grass?"

"I can't show you if you're over there can I?"

I stared at him for awhile before he looked up at me. His lips curved upward in its usually smug stance before his hand beckoned me over. "Come! Come my young pupil!"

"So I'm young pupil now? What happened to Hanna?" I knelt down in front of him and watched the grass.

His hand suddenly stopped before slowly rising and flicking my forehead.

"Ow!" I jerked back a little, rubbing the spot tenderly.

"Never question the teacher." He said wisely. "I give you these names for a reason."

"Which is?"

"How much?"

"I'm 687, and it took me a while." he chuckled.

"Guessed I'd have a long way to go." I laughed. "Can I ask you something?" I said after a while.

"Yeah."

"Why aren't you yelling at me and forcing me to do twelve-hundred push ups? I thought I was going burst my lungs from holding my breath every time you walked in a room."

"Then I was doing my job." he simply said. "If I came off as soft and forgiving to everyone, they wouldn't push themselves. Their Alpha can command them to listen to me but their efforts could be flimsy and shorthand. There would be no consequences if what I asked was not completed or done right. And especially in my absence, I expect more than cut-and-bruise-efforts, I want to see scar-efforts. I don't want them to kill each other, but to not be afraid to kill. I'm preparing you all for war, not a fight."